missing something....

Huwaaa....
It's been a long time since my last update.
How are you.... hope you are fine but
I'm not fine...
We're not fine.

Back to topic, I'm missing something....
It creates a big dark hole inside of my heart.
I'm missing me, myself and I.

I no longer have the confidence, the passion, the faith needed to continue on our baby program.
I've come to the senses that may be we're just not intended to have children to call our own.

All of this, because some depressing thing that happened lately.
1. One of my friends had asked whether we are sure we want to have children of our own.
She asked whether we are happy just the two of us.
She assured me, that her children were not the happiness factors of her life.

And my response was to say : yes, we are happy together. But we still want toi have baby/ies of our own.

then, she continued saying : So, why do still want to have children, if both of you happy, then it should be enough. no need to push yourself into more treatments, don't you think?.

Oh my, I was really speechless.

2. I went to see an Obgyn in Singapore, the doctor who treated my sister. She told me to have a test.
An Antibody antisperm test. The only test we haven't done. But she said, better we take the test in my hometown, and so we did the test last week. The result came this morning. And it is not good. For the years we've been together, coming to a close 8 years now, I've developed immune system in my body, it attacks my husband's sperm.
oh so sad.
There are treatments intended to make things better, but not of a permanent result. hmmm.....

3. Just yesterday, another friend was spreading our church community what to seemed like a great news.
She assumed that my husband and I had stopped trying to have a child, and it was a great news because it meant now both of us can concentrate on what other plans God has for us (not including baby/ies).

Other friend immediately congratulated me. She said, finally we can let go what we want the most. She said it will make us closer to God and He will speak a lot of thing now and He will provide things for us, unthinkable things.

I only laughed at her comments.
Makes me lose faith, oh my Father in Heaven above, do You really want this? Do You really want us to give up? to let go our un-born-yet child?

I believe in You, trust You, but a stetement like this from a church friend, really had a deep impact on my feelings.
Have we not sufferred enough? 

today I search for this kind of sayings. What you should never say to a childless couple (not by choice).
Please read to enlight your mind, my friends..
http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/childless-friends
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/130539/11_things_you_should_never

good night and have sweet dreams..


 

You know you are loved when....

When you are down...
There are a few people who can really see what's inside your heart,
You dont have to say any words at all...
They will always be there.

When you are down...
Just look up, you will see someone try \ing to reach you
to hug you, to hold you, to calm you
to become a shoulder to cry on.

When you are down...
You know you are loved.
When they come to you and stretch their arms wide open for you to run into,
When they hug you so tightly as you cry out your burdens
When they bring you things you like the most
When they hold you all night long....

I'm so grateful
When I'm feeling down...
I know I'm loved....

Jakarta, @ office.

Updates on the baby program.

I want to share updates on our baby program.

In the first cycle :
I had my period on 29th of August.
Took hormone intake for 5 days.
On the 14th day, we went to see my 'eggs' development stage.
Found out the fact that I had ovulated.
Disappointment urged.

In the 2nd attempt :
I had my period on 25th of Sept.
Took hormone intake for 5 days.
We scheduled our visit to the hospital on the 12th day.
My 'eggs' are not well developed.
We waited 2 more days and came again.
This tim, the doctor said my eggs were not fully developed and not mature enough to worth trying another step of the program.
Again, we were disappointed.

3rd cycle :
My hormone levels peaked up on 28th of Oct, so that very same day, I had my period and an emotional breakdown. : (
Again, I was scheduled to take hormone treatment for 5 days, this time with an extra dosage for each intake.
Our visit to the doctor on the 12th day, showed one fully developed egg.
I was thrilled. The doctor gave me a hormonal injection, specially targeted to make me ovulate.
The next day, we came back to the hospital and yes, on the 10th of November, I had an Intrauterine Insemination (IuI) procedure.
We waited for 2 weeks.

and here is the update.
We've failed to be pregnant once again.
Because just two days ago, my cycle started over again.

Sigh...
Now we are entering the 4th month. I really wish we can make baby/ies this time.
Wish us luck.

Want vs Need

Want.
What I want are :
I can go to each therapy, with my husband accompany me.
I want us to go out on weekends, to places like the malls, parks, visiting relatives or sick friends.
I want to spend all night long talking about us.
I want him to take me eat the food I crave, I mean right then and right away.
I want this, that and so many other things.

vs
Need.
Instead, my husband give me what I need.
He picks me up, on time and almost everytime when he knows I can't go home alone.
He accompanies me through every special moments, birthdays and even when I'm down.
He stands by me and he hold me close, whenever we are in a crowded place.
He always appreciates me, my cookings, my crafts, my opinions, everything I want to say about things.
He buys me things I need, running shoes for my yoga class, sunglasses when we are planning to go to Phuket, so many things that really show how much he cares for me.
He says 'I love you' not so many often, so that I can miss him saying that and so I won't take it easy.
He always hugs me.

God, oh I am so grateful we are united in marriage. I'm forever grateful for Your Love and his love.
May we can stay like this forever and more...
I really love you, my dear husband.

Baby Program...

In addition to the baby program, I searched for ways to enhance my fertility. We agreed to try acupuncture program.
It started on 27 September, and I've been going to the clinic twice a week for 30minutes in each visit.

There are some more photos of those needles punctured to my lower belly, but for privacy reason, my husband and I, we agreed not to post them public.
But to be honest, I somehow have to emphasize the efforts we've done so far. So, for those who think that I'm happy to do this, please think again....
Here I'm smiling to the camera, trying to forget the pain...

Sweet Escape..

Last weekend, we stayed 2 nights in Hotel Aryaduta, Karawaci. It's located about 1,5 hour drive from Jakarta.
The hotel itself has a lot of facilities that we can enjoy, such as swimming pool, spa, sauna, gym, and jacuzi.
But our main reason we were there was to gather with all of our church's servants. To make us all a unity group. We had outdoor activities in groups and we were given scores. My lucky husband's team was the winner/ the best team for the games that day and he also got one of the prizes. Tara...it is a new blender/juicer. The blender/juicer is for my mom. Ughh My God is so great, He really know that I need a new blender/juicer.  :)  Thank You Jesus.

Here are the pictures..

Dinner with friends.

Tonight we had dinner with our friends. The restaurant we picked is inside The Kempinski Hotel, and it's The Signature.
The ambience was great..the food was delicious, and it was cheap. They had a promo for using a platinum credit card, 1 price all you can eat package for 2 persons. We were grateful to have experienced it, since we don't have the bank's credit card and we have friends who have it. God is good.
Sum up...look at us, happy and full.