missing something....

Huwaaa....
It's been a long time since my last update.
How are you.... hope you are fine but
I'm not fine...
We're not fine.

Back to topic, I'm missing something....
It creates a big dark hole inside of my heart.
I'm missing me, myself and I.

I no longer have the confidence, the passion, the faith needed to continue on our baby program.
I've come to the senses that may be we're just not intended to have children to call our own.

All of this, because some depressing thing that happened lately.
1. One of my friends had asked whether we are sure we want to have children of our own.
She asked whether we are happy just the two of us.
She assured me, that her children were not the happiness factors of her life.

And my response was to say : yes, we are happy together. But we still want toi have baby/ies of our own.

then, she continued saying : So, why do still want to have children, if both of you happy, then it should be enough. no need to push yourself into more treatments, don't you think?.

Oh my, I was really speechless.

2. I went to see an Obgyn in Singapore, the doctor who treated my sister. She told me to have a test.
An Antibody antisperm test. The only test we haven't done. But she said, better we take the test in my hometown, and so we did the test last week. The result came this morning. And it is not good. For the years we've been together, coming to a close 8 years now, I've developed immune system in my body, it attacks my husband's sperm.
oh so sad.
There are treatments intended to make things better, but not of a permanent result. hmmm.....

3. Just yesterday, another friend was spreading our church community what to seemed like a great news.
She assumed that my husband and I had stopped trying to have a child, and it was a great news because it meant now both of us can concentrate on what other plans God has for us (not including baby/ies).

Other friend immediately congratulated me. She said, finally we can let go what we want the most. She said it will make us closer to God and He will speak a lot of thing now and He will provide things for us, unthinkable things.

I only laughed at her comments.
Makes me lose faith, oh my Father in Heaven above, do You really want this? Do You really want us to give up? to let go our un-born-yet child?

I believe in You, trust You, but a stetement like this from a church friend, really had a deep impact on my feelings.
Have we not sufferred enough? 

today I search for this kind of sayings. What you should never say to a childless couple (not by choice).
Please read to enlight your mind, my friends..
http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/childless-friends
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/130539/11_things_you_should_never

good night and have sweet dreams..