You know you are loved when....

When you are down...
There are a few people who can really see what's inside your heart,
You dont have to say any words at all...
They will always be there.

When you are down...
Just look up, you will see someone try \ing to reach you
to hug you, to hold you, to calm you
to become a shoulder to cry on.

When you are down...
You know you are loved.
When they come to you and stretch their arms wide open for you to run into,
When they hug you so tightly as you cry out your burdens
When they bring you things you like the most
When they hold you all night long....

I'm so grateful
When I'm feeling down...
I know I'm loved....

Jakarta, @ office.

Updates on the baby program.

I want to share updates on our baby program.

In the first cycle :
I had my period on 29th of August.
Took hormone intake for 5 days.
On the 14th day, we went to see my 'eggs' development stage.
Found out the fact that I had ovulated.
Disappointment urged.

In the 2nd attempt :
I had my period on 25th of Sept.
Took hormone intake for 5 days.
We scheduled our visit to the hospital on the 12th day.
My 'eggs' are not well developed.
We waited 2 more days and came again.
This tim, the doctor said my eggs were not fully developed and not mature enough to worth trying another step of the program.
Again, we were disappointed.

3rd cycle :
My hormone levels peaked up on 28th of Oct, so that very same day, I had my period and an emotional breakdown. : (
Again, I was scheduled to take hormone treatment for 5 days, this time with an extra dosage for each intake.
Our visit to the doctor on the 12th day, showed one fully developed egg.
I was thrilled. The doctor gave me a hormonal injection, specially targeted to make me ovulate.
The next day, we came back to the hospital and yes, on the 10th of November, I had an Intrauterine Insemination (IuI) procedure.
We waited for 2 weeks.

and here is the update.
We've failed to be pregnant once again.
Because just two days ago, my cycle started over again.

Sigh...
Now we are entering the 4th month. I really wish we can make baby/ies this time.
Wish us luck.

Want vs Need

Want.
What I want are :
I can go to each therapy, with my husband accompany me.
I want us to go out on weekends, to places like the malls, parks, visiting relatives or sick friends.
I want to spend all night long talking about us.
I want him to take me eat the food I crave, I mean right then and right away.
I want this, that and so many other things.

vs
Need.
Instead, my husband give me what I need.
He picks me up, on time and almost everytime when he knows I can't go home alone.
He accompanies me through every special moments, birthdays and even when I'm down.
He stands by me and he hold me close, whenever we are in a crowded place.
He always appreciates me, my cookings, my crafts, my opinions, everything I want to say about things.
He buys me things I need, running shoes for my yoga class, sunglasses when we are planning to go to Phuket, so many things that really show how much he cares for me.
He says 'I love you' not so many often, so that I can miss him saying that and so I won't take it easy.
He always hugs me.

God, oh I am so grateful we are united in marriage. I'm forever grateful for Your Love and his love.
May we can stay like this forever and more...
I really love you, my dear husband.

Baby Program...

In addition to the baby program, I searched for ways to enhance my fertility. We agreed to try acupuncture program.
It started on 27 September, and I've been going to the clinic twice a week for 30minutes in each visit.

There are some more photos of those needles punctured to my lower belly, but for privacy reason, my husband and I, we agreed not to post them public.
But to be honest, I somehow have to emphasize the efforts we've done so far. So, for those who think that I'm happy to do this, please think again....
Here I'm smiling to the camera, trying to forget the pain...

Sweet Escape..

Last weekend, we stayed 2 nights in Hotel Aryaduta, Karawaci. It's located about 1,5 hour drive from Jakarta.
The hotel itself has a lot of facilities that we can enjoy, such as swimming pool, spa, sauna, gym, and jacuzi.
But our main reason we were there was to gather with all of our church's servants. To make us all a unity group. We had outdoor activities in groups and we were given scores. My lucky husband's team was the winner/ the best team for the games that day and he also got one of the prizes. Tara...it is a new blender/juicer. The blender/juicer is for my mom. Ughh My God is so great, He really know that I need a new blender/juicer.  :)  Thank You Jesus.

Here are the pictures..

Dinner with friends.

Tonight we had dinner with our friends. The restaurant we picked is inside The Kempinski Hotel, and it's The Signature.
The ambience was great..the food was delicious, and it was cheap. They had a promo for using a platinum credit card, 1 price all you can eat package for 2 persons. We were grateful to have experienced it, since we don't have the bank's credit card and we have friends who have it. God is good.
Sum up...look at us, happy and full.

Dreaming of...

I'm dreaming of...
going to Prague to experience our love in a romantic city.....

source : http://www.mccombs.utexas.edu/bba/ip/prospective/mpa-short-term-summer/mpa-prague

love love love.....

here is picture from 2005...hmmmm.....seems not so long ago. muah muah love you baby...

Stupid things

Today, I made several stupid actions :
1. My mum had an accident, she fell and hurt her knee yesterday morning. And today, instead of staying by her side, I left her alone and I still went to Church. She was furious with me.
2. I asked her whether she wanted to go to hospital and she yelled back at me, said that I didn't care about her and she'd rather die than to be hurt emotionally because of my neglect.
3. I felt guilty and I apologised to her, but she wouldn't listen to me and kept saying that my religion and my God had taught me to be ignorant towards her.
4. I snapped and started yelling back at her.
5. and in the moments of desperation, I banged my head to her bedroom wall and I hit myself vigorously. I closed my eyes, cried as loud as I could, but I felt no physical pain just the overwhelming storms of guilty feelings. And I think I'd be seriously injured if my husband hadn't stopped me at that moment.
6. I had an emotional breakdown. It happened several times in the past when I'm really stressed out.
7. Later tonight, when I took my shower, I can see nail-scratches marks all over my forehead, several blue bruises, and several bumps at the back of my head. And ugh, they hurt a lot.

I regret every stupid things I made today. God have mercy on me, because I have sinned. :(

I'm sad...

Today I'm feeling so sad.
My sister and I, we had an argument this morning.
Her point was, she was having a miserable life compared to mine.
I told her, everbody has his / her own struggles in life.

I might seems happy from the outside views, I have a wonderful husband, a lot of friends, I am not working (by our own choices) and I am living close to our parents. But we must admit, we're not living our dream life, we dont have children, what we've been wanting for so many years, despite all the pain of tests, needles, medicines I have to endure, all the uncomfortable visits to our obgyn, all the time and money we've spent on baby that never arrived. We are still struggling with financial problems  because my husband being the sole bread winner and we also have so many obligations towards our parents.

I don't want to change my life with yours, but I also envy you. You have money you earn by working, you have a beautiful baby, and you can't hear when our parents scrutinised every moves, every decisions I made.

I pray to God that we are strong in dealing with  our problems.
I pray to God that you are healthy, wealthy and most of all happy with the life you are in.
Please, forgive me because I can't cheer you when you are feeling down and instead I made u more sad...

I miss you so much..
I am sorry, Sis...

Starting the program

Now it's the time..
We are starting our so-called "fertility program". Meaning now we are really serious doing it. We hope to be able to carry our child anytime soon. Wish us luck.
We have already seen the doctor several times. And these are the visit pictures..

 hehehhe I've gain some weight during the program, you can see my face is so round...

Happy Independence Day to Indonesia

Happy Indepence day to Indonesia, we wish that our beloved country will become more and more successful in every aspects. God be with us always.

The Union

Hmmm....one more delicious night hanging out with our friends. This time The Union. The place is so small and too crowded, no music, very noisy with all the buzzez from people talking at the same time. Not so comfortable to hang in. The service is not good (there are not enough space for us customers and waiter to serve us properly) and prices are expensive. But the food is delicious. Perhaps if they can move to a bigger place, I can consider coming back...haha

Here are some pics of us....

This last pic is so pale (white balance error), because we were using smarphone camera, compared to the other two taken with our pocket camera.

May be my last flight for the next 1 year from now..

Hmmmm...as you know that we're planning to have babies..
And those programs will not allow me to fly probably around a year.
This is how I see it.
We like to travel, a lot. And to keep my body prepared, I need to have some rest, not to be very exhausted.
And during the program, I must see the obgyn on my 2nd day of period, on my 12th, and 14th and so on and on, which makes my schedule of travelling can't be done as how we like. (We tends to plan our trip 3-6 months in advance).
We've agreed that as soon as I'm pregnant, we want to be very careful towards this pregnancy, considering how hard it is for me to concieve, therefore, I won't be flying to any destinations for at least a year.

These are pictures from our last trip to Bangkok, Thailand.
We really enjoy it and we will definitely find a way to be back to Thailand....

Thai food are amazingly delicious.....We craved for them from the moment we landed back to our homeland...

For the beauty..

For the beauty reason, I had bought some cosmetics.
And here they are...

 These are a package of 2 Laneige cream bought in Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. They also gave bonus, the facial foam and water bank essence. The other laneige cream was given to my mom.

  

These are mini pack of Laniege also given as bonuses.

In the picture above, you can see 2 more different items. Far left is a lip balm and far right is a mascara. Both are given by my youngest sister from Singapore. Thank you, Sis.

 

 This is also bought in Jakarta. It's a gel eyeliner from Revlon. This product is great in application because it has brush attached and lasts long but I hate wearing this eyeliner. Not because the grey colour, but because it hurts my eyes. Immediately after each application, I got burning sensation in my eyes.
Beauty equals pain?

 This is a Salmon Brightening Eye Cream from SkinFood. I've been using it for a while, with no result.

 This is an Estee Lauder Lip Balm with pearly shimmer. I like it a lot. Actually I bought a package of 6 colours, and shared them with my friends, sister and sister in law. Hmmm...worth buy, also in Kuala Lumpur Malaysia.
That is for now....see you soon..

some bad news and some good news

Hmmm the bad news...
1. During one of the visits to my obgyn, he found out that I have polyps inside my uterus.
2. I have to go through a surgical observation procedure called "hysteroscopy" and "curettage" is also needed to "clean" my womb.
3. The tissues taken from my womb will be examined very carefully and thoroughly in the lab, to find out whether those polyps are cancerous or not. : (

now we will tell you the good news...
1.  the operation went well.
2. Lab test results shows that those tissues are non-cancerous cells. yay so relieved to hear that, we got tears of happiness..
3. We can get 3 months rest from any visits to obgyn. hahaha this is included in the good news, because I just feel very hmmm........... uncomfortable each time I have to open myself in front of doctors and nurses. and 3 months means at least I can escape up to 6 visits. Another yay...

Vintage Feeling or Feeling Vintage....

Yesterday I went to my dentist. She is a very nice lady in her 50s. Her practice place is in a walk range from our house. And everytime I go there, from the moment I walk inside, almost instantly, I have this feeling.....of something I would like to describe as : Vintage Feeling....or Feeling Vintage? :)

Tin Pan Alley

This is a picture of us when we're eating out with friends. Sorry no pic of our friend, because I want to keep us private. ;)
The place is Tin Pan Alley. Cozy place, good food and great jazzy ambience. They had a singer singing romantic songs through the night...

ouch...it's hot

Can u see the spot there...
I bumped on my father's motorcycle's muffler.
and it was damn....hot. I had a serious burned tissue.
And it has gotten worse since. :( swelling and painfull.
I really hope it will not leave a permanent mark....sigh.

Hmmm....Natinality boost up.

Usually on Lunar New Year Day, my family celebrate this day by visiting our relatives and updating recent news on how this year has passed.
But, this year, we spend the day by visiting one of military camp in the southern area of Jakarta. Thanks to someone with high position in our community to make this happen.

In this picture above, you can see I'm really trying hard to get my eyes focus on the target. And still I missed it. Hahaha it;s not easy to aim and not miss.

This is a picture inside one of the "panzer". I dont know the right term, but my husband says that's not a tank...

 We get the chances to pose with some of our military man and we are so proud to say..we love our country...

How I know He loves me....

I've past 2011, I'm entering a new year of 2012.
I can go through the passing of my cousin, Willy Antonius Toh (12 Dec 1981-28 Nov 2011). Not a day I can forget about him but He helps me.
I start a new business, my own online shop.
I took a bigger step to making myself more useful, I am now a private teacher for children.

and so many more things I'm grateful with.
That is how I know He loves me......